have you ever had a good hand day?

i’m having a good hand month.

seriously, even though i broke a nail for the first time and so the dead cells slapped on the end of my fingers aren’t doing too well, the hands themselves are in fine form. they look tan, svelte but also hardworking, capable.

but lately they’ve been making me sad.

they are the part of my body most in my range of vision. they are how i watch my interaction with the world around me. all the people and things i touch, wave at, reach towards over the next few days will soon be far from me.

goodbye is different this time.

europe was a boomerang adventure. i left college for a new kind of college, knowing that i would return to the first place. this time, not only am i having to reckon with the fact that i’m not leaving on break but graduating, but i am truly commencing a whole new life that i may never come back from.

for all its perks, being grown up lacks something. it lacks that beaten down path we all tread. the most defined path in life, driven by biology, psychology, and society. there is a security in the knowledge of what direction is inevitable. but that path ends. and i’ve picked a new one that i can feel approaching. the better the new one comes into focus, the more the boundaries of the old one fade. i feel as if my whole childhood, adolescent, teen and ’emerging adulthood’ years are dying. and i know the exact moment when they’ll be gone forever: 4:50 pm EST on wednesday, may 25, 2011 AD.

and no matter how tightly i grip my steering wheel, or grasp the bodies of those i embrace, my hands cannot hold back time.